Laura and I hung out tonight, catching up and getting coffee. We went over to her apartment afterwards and it was basically empty since she's moving out. It was weird seeing the apartment almost empty. I guess that part of me was holding off, believing that the summer really wouldn't end, and that the rest of us would split up. Not that separation means forever, but she's the last one to go and that makes the end of college seem, well, final. So I was listening to "In My Life" on the way home, because that was the mood I was in, and it got me to thinking a lot.
I don't understand how people can just pick up their lives and move. I don't mean it in the sense that they are severing ties or in any kind of negative manner, but just how people can be brave/ strong enough to seek out something new. I spend so much time doing the opposite and it confounds me. How many small trinkets do I collect just to keep me tied to a brief period in time? Not in a pack-rat fashion, I don't keep things simply for the sake of keeping them. Each piece is a connective tissue. Losing it would be that final severing. I don't trust my memories enough to keep things alive, I guess I really just don't trust myself to keep connected to things unless there is something physical.
Why am I so scared to face the unknown? Why do I not trust myself enough to test the waters of distance? How many times have I lost out because I'm scared? I don't even know if I want to leave Houston for graduate school, but I have this yearning that if I don't take a leap of faith and leave now, I never will. I need to learn to trust- both myself and others. I need to trust that if I take a step I won't fall.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.
About Me
- Claire
- things to know about this blog 1) don't be afraid if i go onto strange theology tangents, i'm in seminary it's to be expected 2) i'm not that funny. i wish i was funny. 3) if people comment more often i may post more often 4) if you want a more awesome blog go to hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com 5) non-sequitur penguin reference
2 comments:
Oh Claire, i SOOOOOOOO know this feeling. I grew up here too, and now it looks like this is where I will live and work and have children etc etc etc. Sometimes it really bothers me--and I am totally tempted to just pack up and move. But the key is to consider WHY you're moving--and the fact that a physical move doesn't necessarily mean a personality change, which is what I've found I'm usually looking for when I get in these moods. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
I enjoy trying out new places, and have really enjoyed soCal, but at the same time I've been dealing with a whole new social set. It's rough trying to find my place in that (especially because they're mostly boys), and because every time they don't invite me to hang out sends me into a turmoil of lack of self confidence and imagined snubbing. It's tough to be secure and insecure at the same time, and just now that I'm somewhat comfortable in my internship here and with my friends, I'm leaving for grad school in Atlanta. A whole new big city, my own apartment, and new everything. It's exciting, but I don't want to do it too often. I miss you all so much, and wish I could just drive over and talk and chat and hang out. Give Larry a cuddle for me as you weather the hurricane. I could use a cat about now.
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