Searching

I am now in the process of searching for a new job. Why?

1) My boss makes me want to pull every hair out of my head individually using rusty tweezers
2) I am actually at the point where I feel physically ill having to go into work
3) My only other plan is to find someone with mono and catch it from him/her and then have to be out of work long enough that I would be let go anyway

I've been at this job since June and have tried to be a cheerful worker. I've prayed for guidance and the strength to know what to do. I think I just am incapable of working and holding down a job and be a good worker.

I don't even know what I want to know anymore. I want the bad thoughts to go away. Why? Why are the reemerging after so long. I thought that they had been put to rest. I had buried that part of me- sent it away, But its coming back on the horizon, The dark looming. I don't want to spiral into this way again.

And yet my right hand speaks of that descent.

I'm lost. I'm powerless. I'm a flower quickly fading.