My mom and I went to Borders tonight so I could get a birthday present for my grandfather since we're going up to Dallas this weekend to celebrate his 70th birthday. I also found Nikki Sixx's book, Heroin Diaries. I've been looking for it for awhile and was glad to get my hands on a copy. It got me thinking, however, about the course of my life.
Given different circumstances I think that I could have/ would have been a drug addict. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I'll immerse myself in something that interests me immediately and strongly. The first time I was offered alcohol I took it, the first time I was offered a cigarette I tried it. The only things that made me stop was people telling me to, and the guilt from people not wanting me to smoke or drink was enough to make me not do it. I guess in a weird way my codependency has saved me from myself. Its not so much as I ever wanted to do drugs, not having them in my life isn't something that I mourn, but I often wonder what if I had been offered something at a younger age, at an age where I would have wanted to belong and had that drug trigger something in my brain. I think more than anything, its worse now. I have a more profound yearning to belong at this age than I ever did at a younger age, but at the same time I now know how much damage drugs can do and would hopefully abstain if I ever had that opportunity.
I think these ponderings are the reason that I've immersed myself in reading about drugs and childhood trauma. There's so many factors that could have been different and I feel like I'm constantly flirting on the edge of losing it and somehow working through the what might have beens keep me from toppling over.
The South Park Easter- Da Vinci Code episode was just on and that does make me extremely happy.
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2 comments:
I wonder about that all the time too! And the fact that I have an almost daily craving for something I only tried once or twice scares me to death, which is exactly why I don't indulge in possibly dangerous/addictive substances. Still, I do feel like I have a greater appreciation for my life knowing that it could have gone another way so easily.
*hugs*
I swear I have more thoughts about this than that, but they aren't particularly coherent, or things I neccisarily talk about much.
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